(Content Alert: This section contains explicit humor and adult themes (e.g., crude jokes, innuendo). Suitable for 18+ only.)
7/1/21
Yo,
So I might have COVID 19.
Unfocused Assessments…
I have been sick for almost two weeks because my 3-year-old comes home with mutant viruses that would put a Navy Seal down. (Are Navy Seals the toughest? A Ranger would probably have words.) I mean what the hell do I know about elite toughness? I can’t even walk into a pre-school… FULLY VACCINATED (Editor’s Note: Ugh.) … and not get knocked on my dick for a week.
Anyways, I have been hacking worse than an 80-year-old chain-smoker… And now I can’t taste.
My wife got sick of my bitching, so she sent me off to Urgent Care. I kinda love these places. Maybe I will quit my cunt job and work the front desk. I knew someone who worked at one and had the most amazing stories of college girls coming in wearing panties loaded with cum and other delightful tales.
One time a girl didn’t realize there was cocaine stuck in her snot from the night before and got high right in front of him when she coughed, then sniffed it all down her throat and swallowed.
Bitch got high as hell at the doctor’s office from her own boogers.
Now that is a job I can get behind, man.
Crazy stuff.
So, I showed up and the front desk guy said it would be a “ridiculously long wait.”
Fine.
“Can I go wander around?” I asked.
“Yeah but don’t like, wander on the freeway or anything,” he said.
I had called in sick to work so this was a real treat. I get to aimlessly shuffle around some strip mall at 11am on a Thursday? This is high luxury for a stressed out, working stiff with a three-year-old like me.
What type of exciting adventures await me????
- Next door is a pool supply store! No… F pools. I don’t want to find my kid bloated and dead floating in the deep end after I am supposed to be watching him but go inside to piss or something.
- Pet store! No… F pets. Expensive, time consuming, and they are hairy and dirty and I have enough trouble cleaning up my three year old’s shitty asshole and my own shitty asshole to worry about some stinkin’ mutt’s butt too
- Pineapple Pauli? No… WTF?
- China Go Go? Are you shitting me? This is the exciting, strip mall adventure land that I have been waiting all my life for???
I round the corner and hear a bunch of noise… It’s a bum on a bench wearing a suit hysterically laughing at himself… I mean, I loved him wearing a suit but seriously?…
This strip mall sucks.
I wound up getting sushi at a gas station.
The stupid world is going to hell, and I am sick as balls anyways, why not?
Then I went into a grocery store… THIS is what I am talking about!
There is something I just love about a nice grocery store when I have nothing to do. I can look at people and oogle the sugary cereals and complain in my head about how beer somehow got really expensive.
Mother F’er… the sushi here looks like 10,000 times better than the garbage I just ate.
Ooooohhhhh, I just went to take a piss and they have floor length urinals!!!!
Okay baby! Now things are starting to turn around for my ass!!!
There is nothing more free and liberating than going into some dingy, grocery store bathroom and somehow finding floor length urinals.
You gotta spend a lot extra for a floor length urinal. That’s a lot of porcelain but it is totally worth it. Someone in management here knows what’s up.
No aiming. No dribbling… complete urinary liberty.
I LOVE floor length urinals…
I’d suck a floor length urinal’s cock.
After that jolt of energy, I went back out into the shopping area.
Does anyone else get a huge kick out of the fact they package single slices of cake at the grocery store now?
I stared at a slice of cake for 5 minutes.
Cake is funny.
Cake.
After the grocery store I went to McDonalds instead of Starbucks for coffee since I can’t taste anything…
Of course I found the bum in the suit again laughing to himself.
He was waiting in line right in front of me…
Picking his nose.
I left.
I went back to Urgent Care and sat there trying to understand crypto currency for the next hour and a half.
Finally I got called in.
After I did all the stuff and the lady left… I noticed a big sign of the digestive system…
There was something labeled the “Wall of Jejunum”…
I called it the “Wall of Jerusalem” and that made me laugh for some reason. I was nervous.
They came back in and gave me a COVID test. She swabbed the absolute hell out of my nose. She went so high! I think she poked an eyeball. I am going to be sore tomorrow.
Then they tested me for strep… I gagged worse than if they forced me to give a blowjob.
She left me there waiting for about 25 minutes for the results to come back.
I messed around with the patient’s table and laid it down to get more comfortable.
Someone in here is yelling very loudly through the walls.
I feel the same way pal.
FUCK – I bet I have COVID… I have been vaccinated for months, man!
I hope I have it.
Ugh my throat sucks… I feel horrible… I hope I fucking die.
(20 minutes later)
Ok so I don’t have COVID or strep.
The Asian doctor actually high fived me.
I am giving him 5 stars.
He prescribed me something called, “magic mouthwash.”
He told me to gargle it.
I am going to swallow some and see what happens.
Think I will see the jester???
Now, I am going home.
…Dreaming of my alternate life as a suited, strip mall hobo.
Quackenbush