Yo,
It’s Smarch Madness time bitches!!
Unfocussed Assessments…
So, Smarch Madness is a game my old high school chums and I play every year during the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament… aka March Madness.
Instead of filling out boring normal brackets, we do things… differently.
It’s basically a draft. There are 8 jerks that play and we each wind up with 8 NCAA teams.
Round 1 starts when everyone writes the name of the team they want on a slip of paper (usually a #1 seed).
But here’s the catch – instead of writing down a normal name like Iowa or UNC – we write down something completely obscene instead.
Some examples:
- Tayhas Ass to Mouth = Texas A&M
- Whore-cock-sin = Wisconsin
- New Bean Burrito State University = New Mexico State University
- I’M SICK AND TIRED OF LOSING TO PURDUE = Purdue
- Gon-fag-ya = Gonzaga
- Vagina = Virginia
If nobody else picks your team… you get it. If 2 or more people choose your team you roll dice and the highest # gets the team. Then you repeat it until everyone has a round 1 team.
You do this for 8 separate rounds until everyone has 8 teams.
I like it better than filling out some giant bracket.
Also, the draft is always a good time. This year we did it via a Zoom call.
Some instant-classic Zoom moments:
- My cousin’s Zoom name… Sir Toots Fartypants.
- Our old pal Big June could be heard on the Zoom yelling random things like, “No ma! The meatloaf… the MEATLOAF!!” His car alarm went off multiple times. He was preparing garlic and when asked how, he said, “razor blade.” Somebody pointed out that there sure was a lot of activity going on at his house at 9:45 pm on a Wednesday night.
- I pointed out that it was my cousin and I’s grandma’s 100th bday! We were asked, “What is her secret for longevity?” Some of our answers…
- “Never exercise a day in your life.”
- “Smoke for at least 65 years then quit cold turkey.”
- “Cook every meal with heaping portions of Crisco.”
- “Lots of complaining.”
- “A soft touch of PG-13 racism doesn’t hurt either.” (Constantly accusing the care-home staff of stealing).
All the Smarch Madness scores are kept track of on a Google spreadsheet that one person has to manually update. We will spend the next few weeks bitching ENDLESSLY that it isn’t updated in a timely fashion. (I will share one of my elaborate complaints in a follow up post.)
This year everything at the draft went off without a hitch. Well… almost.
I was showing my 7-year-old the spreadsheet after Round 1 since I was in first place. However, there was a new update this year that separated the paid participants from the unpaid.
It was brightly color coded and had a very large legend that read: “Cool” and “Cunt.”
My son asked me what a “Cunt” is.
“Go ask your mother,” I said.
Quackenbush