Written 7/7/2007
Yo,
So, I am on the pill.
Unfocussed Assessments…
No, asshole… I’m not on birth control… I’m taking something called Propecia.
I hate it.
It is this bullshit little pill that keeps my hair from falling out. For most people it doesn’t grow new hair; it just keeps the hair that you already have… or whatever’s left of it.
I picture thousands of little baby hands directly underneath my scalp clutching all my remaining hair follicles. Little tiny baby fists squeezing with all their might.
It was a tough decision to start taking this stuff. After all, I am the same guy who refused to take a Tylenol for a headache for years. (That drug education program in elementary school really got to me).
The worst part is taking this damn pill once a day for the rest of my life.
Actually, the worst part is paying $70 bucks a month.
I told my Mom that male pattern baldness isn’t making me lose my hair…. My cheap ass having to fork over all that cash is what is making my lettuce fall out.
To feel better, I’ve been trying to convince my friends to join me on the pill.
My buddy Ding Dong was considering it but then said,
“I don’t know, bro… I want my dick to work.”
“My dick works fine,” I told him… “I am hard as a rock right now.”
I even consulted another good friend of mine that had taken it for a couple of years.
He said, “Yeah, I took it for a long time, but then I was like, ‘Man, my hair looks great—what the hell am I taking this shit for?’”
But that’s the problem.
Once you start, you can’t stop.
If you quit?
All those little baby hands just let go. It doesn’t speed up hair loss—it just wipes out any progress. Within months, you’re back to where you’d have been without it.
“So what happened when you stopped taking it?” I asked.
“It was terrible,” he said, “I would be at the movies and the guy behind me would sneeze and all my hair would blow out of my head and flutter onto the person in front of me.”
Of course he was exaggerating… I think.
It’s only been approved for hair loss since 1997, so long-term effects aren’t fully known.
Finasteride (the medical name) started as a treatment for enlarged prostates or prostate cancer. After pumping guys with it, docs noticed it delayed baldness—and some even regrew hair.
They cut the dose way down and rebranded it as Propecia for vain fucks like me who don’t want greasy wisps swept over a bald pate.
So far, so good.
But I do worry about the sexual side effects. The first time I limp dick with some babydoll, I’ll probably freak out and quit.
Isn’t that a hell of a dilemma though?
I don’t want to lose my hair because then woman won’t find me attractive and subsequently won’t have sex with me.
But if I take it, I’ll have killer hair and women will want me… but then when I get them into bed my cock might not work.
Anyway, I’ll give it a couple years. See how it goes. Keep an ear out for breakthrough hair transplants in the meantime.
I just have this terrible image of my ultimate demise.
After years of taking Propecia my kidneys give out and I perish a slow and painful death.
At the wake, my pallid body is lying motionless in a casket as grief stricken mourners parade by to view my lifeless corpse.
“Such a shame,” they say, “He was so young…”
“But the sonofabitch had one hell of a ‘do.”
Quackenbush