Introduction
We just welcomed our baby girl into the world. Here’s the unfiltered, minute‑by‑minute chaos of the birth of the day — equal parts nervous, ridiculous, and beautiful.
Yo,
My daughter is going to be born today. Below is a running diary to commemorate the occasion.
Morning Vibes: Songs, Starbucks Applause & Reply Guy Grind
6:15am: Woke up with the song “Walkin’ on a Thin Line” stuck in my head. Not sure what the universe was trying to tell me — maybe a warning about all the silly, dirty jokes I share online… or questioning the need for more Quackenbush offspring?
6:35am: I talk to my son about how he is feeling this morning while we playfully argue over banana or apple for breakfast. (Apples or ba‑nay‑nays.)
7:20am: My wife is basically a celebrity at the local Starbucks… she actually receives applause from staff when she tells them she’s giving birth today.
7:41am: Working on my X (Twitter) grind by being a certified reply guy. Dropped this gem:
Such a silly boy.
7:50am: My wife kicks my ass in Sky Jo… great card game BTW.
8:35am: Just got home… I finished the large refill of coffee in addition to the original… I’m jacked up on joe here folks!
9:37am: Standing in the backyard and getting some sun on my balls… and other stuff. Vitamin D son, you know what I’m saying?
9:59am: Big June just texted asking me how my life journey was going. I called him back and casually dropped that I’m having a baby today. He got hyped and immediately declared — thanks to some astrology/birthday number mumbo-jumbo — that our daughter born on the 25th will be a genius.
So I got that going for me.
10:00am: On a sidenote, he was basically the first friend from back home I’ve told. It was a challenging pregnancy and it didn’t seem right to go blabbing to everyone. Our friends in our new city know on account of my wife’s rapid 9‑month expansion.
Big June: “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
Me: “Ahhh, that’s chick stuff.”
Pre‑Hospital Dad Duties & School Picnic Chaos
10:30am: Went to In‑N‑Out and picked up four plain hamburgers for my son’s school picnic. My wife is resting at home… getting mentally prepared for these doctors to gut her like a fish.
10:31am: (She’s having a C‑section BTW.)
10:55am: I’m 20 minutes early to my son’s school picnic and I’m waiting in the parking lot writing stuff. I tragically overestimated the amount of time I would spend in line ordering the burgers at In‑N‑Out. I mistakenly assumed there would be more burger degenerates in line right at opening.
11:00am: I just picked my nose. I took the thumb approach… it worked wonders. Very effective method. Hit both nostrils with equal success. Good thing too… these nose babies had some girth.
11:01am: I’ll be delighted if my real baby weighs half of one of these things.
11:02am: I just compared my beautiful, precious baby daughter to boogers and plan to share this information with the world.
11:03am: I’m just sayin’.
11:05am: Pretty sure my son could eat all four of these hamburgers if I let him.
11:20am: Ok… it is hotter than a barrel of fire out here.
11:21am: He wants to sit in the sun for some insane reason. Think this baby will be an insane sun baby like her big brother?
11:30am: Remember how I said my kid could eat all four hamburgers? He ate a half and then took off… haven’t seen him since.
11:35am: Talking to one of the other dads about the all the shady shit going on in our son’s baseball league.
12:05pm: Just got yelled at by a security guard for following my son into his building to get his stuff. I replied…
Car Rides, Shameless Dad Jokes & Final Prep
12:15pm: On our ride home, my son and I played “Car Strategy.” This is where I explain in great detail every decision I make while driving… while also throwing some zingers. My best one was when we saw some old man walking across the street wearing a handkerchief around his neck. I told my son:
“How do you make a handkerchief dance?… Put a little boogie in it.”
“Eh…” he said.
12:17pm: He was MUCH more interested when I told him about the giant boogers I thumbed out of my nose before getting to this school.
“Did you keep them?” he asked.
“Don’t keep boogers bro,” I replied.
12:50pm: Packing a bunch of last‑minute stuff for my wife for the stay in the hospital including THREE pillows.
“They have pillows there, you know,” I said.
1:15pm: Wrote a couple more dumb replies on X. “What the hell am I doing with my life?” I thought.
1:20pm: One of them amazingly just got over 1000 impressions!… and ZERO likes. That has to be a skill, right?
1:55pm: Okay it is almost go time. We are going to drop our son off at my parents and head to the hospital here shortly. Holy crap I am going to be a dad again to a baby GIRL…
They say wipe AWAY from her lady parts toward her butt.
1:58pm: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy… I am officially nervous.
2:05pm: My wife is LIVID that I somehow accidentally bumped the baby mirror in her car while I was loading in her 300 pillows. She didn’t like my response that millions of parents have driven millions of miles without ogling their car babies in mirrors.
2:30pm: Dropped off the boy with my parents… mommy cries.
2:35pm: I’m sorry… but some of my replies today have been GOLD.
Hospital Arrival & Delivery Day (C‑Section Birth Story)
2:50pm: Walking into the hospital my wife and I both comment… “It feels like forever since we’ve been here.”
2:55pm: Wife checking in… she’s basically a celebrity here too and everyone is happy to see her back.
2:56pm: Not a celebrity enough for them to have our room ready… we go wait in the lobby like schmucks.
3:35pm: Half of the complimentary phone chargers on the waiting room charging station are busted. All the good phones too. Too bad I don’t have a Czechoslovakian android.
4:02pm: Gave the nurse a birth plan that declines Hep B shot. If this baby even THINKS about sharing dirty needles she’s going to be so grounded!
4:07pm: Ugh! They botched putting an IV tube in my poor wife’s arm.
4:08pm: My cousin told me his first day working at his hospital they left him alone to stick an IV in some old lady and he botched it like 4 times before calling in some backup.
4:50pm: Just waiting around for them to start… I found a warm ginger ale down the hall. It was gross.
4:51pm: Wife just asked me to get her ChapStick.
5:19pm: They gave me size XL scrubs… I look like MC Hammer.
6:00pm: They wheeled her in and got her ready for birth… I saw her butt.
Baby’s Born! First Family Moments With Big Brother
7:07pm: Whew that was quite the whirlwind… momma and baby are both healthy.
7:30pm: Met her brother. Parents pulled the boomer move of trying to create some weird divide…
Grandma: “Are you going to tease your sister a lot? I can already tell you are.”
Son: (Genuinely surprised) “What? No, I’m going to be a good brother.”
Grandma: “Haha, yeah right. I’ll remind you of that.”
7:50pm: Grandparents laugh when grandson tells cousins via FaceTime his sister has been born. He turns to them confused and says: “What am I supposed to say?”
7:55pm: Grandma texted picture of new baby without asking… before wife was ready.
8:10pm: Grandma takes pic right in the baby’s face with bright flash.
8:11pm: Baby is screaming.
8:46pm: Midwife came in to check on things… I’m glad she’s not my full wife.
9:35pm: My wife’s boobs are out and people are barging in left and right.
10:15pm: I just asked the nurse for an extra blanket for my wife and she reacted like she’s going to poison our apple juice.
11:00pm: Final summary for my wife: Rash on body, inflamed feet and legs, C‑section incision, sore nipples, hasn’t showered in days… she just wants a deli sandwich. She did amazing and I am so grateful for her and this teeny tiny little baby.
11:05pm: Wow, what a long day. I wonder if I have any nose babies that need a pickin’?
Quackenbush